Written by Diane Bauer, M.S.
Diane Bauer Therapy, PLLC

Couples therapy is not for everyone. How do you know when it’s right for you?

For successful couple therapy, you need to have:

• A joint definition of the problem
• Good motivation to change
• Willingness to collaborate
• An enthusiastic willingness to comply with treatment
  (Fraser, Second Order Change in Psychotherapy, or other techniques

Therapy will only be a good investment for your relationship if you are willing to put forth a significant and conscious effort. It will require you to complete homework outside of session—taking what you learn in session home with you and diligently practicing new ways of communicating with your partner.

Couple therapy may not be right for you right now if . . .

• Your relationship is abusive in any way. Plenty of research has shown that if you are in a violent relationship, couples therapy may actually be more harmful than beneficial. Your safety is my primary concern. If you are being threatened, slapped, kicked, punched, hit, strangled, or otherwise assaulted in your relationship, please call Crossroads Safehouse at (970) 482-3535 for immediate support. I would then recommend individual sessions and assessment prior to embarking on couple therapy.
• You are having trouble managing an addiction. While it is possible to have success in couples therapy while you are working on managing an addiction, the recommendation is to first address the addiction or to commit to individual therapy at the same time you are seeking support for your relationship.
• You are hoping your therapist will be able to fix your relationship or give you advice. Therapy is hard work. You will get out of it what you invest into it. Therapy isn’t about advice and it’s not about your therapist choosing sides or making judgments. It’s about having a neutral third party hold your relationship in the palm of their hand while you explore alternative perspectives and make the changes you determine you want to make.
• You believe your partner is to blame for your relationship troubles. True, your partner is contributing to the issues you are facing. But you will also be asked to accept personal responsibility for your contributions to the issues and your willingness to do so will be key to your success in therapy.
  You want to change your partner or believe your partner needs to change in order for your relationship to thrive. See above. Your partner will change as a result of couple therapy, but in order for the changes to last, you will need to change as well.
• You want your therapist to take your side. Neither you nor your partner are my client in couple therapy. Rather, your relationship is my client. My goal is to help you connect on a deeper and more meaningful level, not to divide you even more than you already are.
• You are having a secret affair and hope therapy will help you decide whether to stay or to go. Effective therapy depends on honesty. If you have secrets you are unwilling to share, it will be difficult to proceed with couple therapy and I would recommend individual therapy instead. Couple therapy is a great way to deepen your relationship and strengthen your commitment, but only if and when you are ready.