50 Inexpensive Date Night Ideas: Fort Collins & Northern Colorado Edition
Written by Diane Bauer, M.S.
Diane Bauer Therapy, PLLC
Oftentimes couples love the idea of date nights but struggle to find ideas for fun and inexpensive things to do—maybe they are new to town and don’t yet know of all the fun things their hometown has to offer or perhaps they’ve lived in one place a long time, have their favorite spots, and those are the places that become their ‘go to’ activities. Following is a list of 50 ideas for inexpensive dates in and around Fort Collins and Northern Colorado. Enjoy!
- 1. Stroll through CSU’s campus and reminisce about your college days—what you loved, what you maybe regret, the people who were important to you, how the experience shaped who you are today. Check out the university website for guest speakers, concerts, special events that you may want to put on your calendar for later on!
- 2. Learn to dance! Check out the free dance lessons at The Sundance Saloon or other venues in town.
- 3. Plan a picnic lunch and head up Poudre Canyon. There are plenty of secluded spots along the river where you can spread out a blanket and spend some time just talking! Wade in the river if you find a calm spot. Watch the squirrels edge toward your yummy lunch. Take photos of the scenery.
- 4. Take a brewery tour. Fort Collins has several options for local craft brewery tours or head north to the Budweiser plant where you can also visit the Clysdales!
- 5. Wander through Barnes & Noble and choose a book to read to each other—a classic, a favorite from your youth, something new one or both of you has wanted to pick up. Commit to reading a chapter or two a night, alternating who is reading aloud. Discuss what you find interesting about the evening’s chapter.
- 6. Plan to see a movie at the Holiday Twin Drive-In (2206 South Overland Trail, Fort Collins). Few cities have drive-ins anymore—enjoy the fact that Fort Collins still has one and enjoy it before you no longer have that opportunity!
- 7. Take a mini road trip up Poudre Canyon and see if you can spot any moose around Cameron Pass. Visit the Moose Visitor Center in Walden (56750 County Road 14, Walden, CO). Note—best times to see wildlife tend to be early morning or dusk. Pingree Park is another great place to spot these elusive animals.
- 8. Plan a weekend yurt trip in the Colorado State Forest with Never Summer Nordic (neversummernordic.com). Take the kids or leave them home—your choice! This can be extra special in the wintertime when some of the yurts are only accessible by skis or snowshoes!
- 9. Play a childhood game. Chess, checkers, Yahtzee, Aggravation, Uno—there are lots of choices. Tell each other what makes this particular game really special for you. Who did you play it with? When did you get the game? Who gave it to you? Did you have a favorite playing piece that was always yours?
- 10. Head to a spa and get a massage. You’ll both feel pampered and more relaxed afterwards!
- 11. Get to the nearest bike path and spend a day (or part of the day!) exploring the many wonderful bike paths right here in Fort Collins. Walk, bike, rollerblade—whatever suits you!
- 12. Stargaze! Find a clear, cool evening and spend some quiet time together outside, looking at the stars. See what constellations you can each identify and share with each other. Check out the astronomy laboratory at Observatory Village (www.stargazerobservatory.com)! Check the calendar for any meteor showers, comet sightings, eclipses, planets aligning, etc. If possible, go far enough out of town (Poudre Canyon?) where the city lights aren’t interfering as much with your view.
- 13. Check out the flea markets on South College one Saturday morning. If you have something the two of you collect, decide that the first of you to find an item representative of the collection gets to choose the lunch spot. Commit to buying nothing, but maybe identifying the net piece you’d both like to add to your collection.
- 14. Sign up for Design & Paint at Genoa Coffee & Wine (genoaespressoandwine.com) –paint a matching pair of wine glasses that you can later use to toast your growing connection!
- 15. Plan a date night at Barnes & Noble where you spend your time in the travel section, making plans for your next really big adventure abroad. Look at maps, travel books, etc., specific to the location you mutually choose to explore. End the evening with coffee and dessert in the café.
- 16. Plan a sunrise hike to the top of Horsetooth Rock. Pack a picnic breakfast or plan to visit one of Fort Collins’ wonderful breakfast spots after you’ve hiked back down again—Silver Grill? Rise? Egg & I? Bluebird Café?
- 17. What was your favorite restaurant while you were dating? Plan a special return to the same restaurant on the anniversary of your first date. Let your partner choose your meal for you and plan to share!
- 18. Go to Fort Fun (1513 E. Mulberry, Fort Collins) for an afternoon of miniature golf! Winner buys dinner at loser’s choice of restaurant!
- 19. Spend an afternoon playing tourist in Fort Collins. Take selfies at different landmarks around town. Alternately, play tour guide for each other for a day, each of you choosing your favorite spots around town that you would want to be sure to share with someone new to town.
- 20. Volunteer to serve a meal at the homeless shelter downtown (Fort Collins Rescue Mission, 316 Jefferson Street, (970) 224-4302).
- 21. Go to a free concert in Old Town Square (downtownfortcollins.com/events). Have ice cream at Walrus (a hometown favorite—125 West Mountain Avenue, Fort Collins)
- 22. Plan a day at New West Fest (downtownfortcollins.com/events/bohemian-nights-at-newwestfest),starting at the Silver Grill (a classic—218 Walnut Street), ending with dinner at your favorite Old Town eatery. Go online beforehand to check out the free concert options and plan your day so each of you gets to see/do one thing most intriguing to you!
- 23. Take a quick trip north to Vedauwoo, WY. Make it a day trip of hiking and exploring or take a tent and stay overnight in a magical place!
- 24. Choose a nearby hot springs to explore. Glenwood Springs is the big, obvious choice, but there are many smaller and more intimate hot springs locations in both Colorado and Wyoming that are within an easy driving distance.
- 25. Rent a tandem bike and explore some of the local bike paths in a new way!
- 26. Feed the geese at City Park (1500 West Mulberry).
- 27. Volunteer for a service project together.
- 28. Go fly kites in an open field close to your home. Better yet, build your kites yourself beforehand!
- 29. Have an impromptu garage sale and put the proceeds aside to fund a weekend trip to a place you’d both like to visit.
- 30. Look through old photographs and share the stories behind the photographs.
- 31. Sign up for a cooking class together at The Cupboard (thecupboard.net)
- 32. Go bowling! Take a couple you enjoy and make it a double date. Go out for coffee and dessert afterwards.
- 33. Go roller skating at Rollerland (324 South Link Lane, Fort Collins). It’s a great work-out and they have some fun slow songs where you can get close!
- 34. Check out the local farmer’s market. Plan a meal together that uses primarily fresh produce from the market.
- 35. Look for an opportunity to ‘pay it forward’ today—buy the coffee for the next person in line behind you at Starbucks, buy the meal for the person in line behind you at Qdoba, etc. Look for an opportunity to give back. Give your kids each $20 and ask them to use it to ‘pay it forward’ today and then report back to the family how they used their $20—you’ll be surprised by their creativity!
- 36. Rearrange a room in your house together. Get creative. It doesn’t have to stay that way forever, but give it a chance!
- 37. Test drive a new car with no intention of buying it and no pressure to make it your own. Pick something you’d both like or drive one for each of you.
- 38. Purchase a journal or blank book and one of you start a story. Pass the journal back and forth and each of you add a chapter or a portion of the story, adding to one another’s writing as it comes back to you. Read the completed story to each other when you both agree it has come to a place of completion. Be as creative as you each can be. No judgment. Just add what comes to mind.
- 39. Take a tour of the garden railroads locals have built (ncgr.net for details on time and locations—the 2016 tour is June 4, 10 am – 4 pm).
- 40. Give each other foot massages.
- 41. Pick one local festival that you’d like to attend together—a bluegrass music festival, a beer festival, an arts festival, etc. Or choose one of each and research together which you might like to attend. Put it on the family calendar and rearrange things, if necessary, in order to fit it in.
- 42. Rent paddleboats at City Park and take a leisurely tour of the lake.
- 43, Visit a local corn maze together. Pack a backpack with a thermos of hot cocoa and go enjoy the evening together!
- 44. Go on a Scavenger Hunt with your cameras and see how many of the Art in Public Places painted transformer boxes you can find around town (approximately 15 boxes are commissioned annually, the project began in 2006 as a way to reduce problem graffiti). Share with each other which are your favorites, and why.
- 45. Pull out your art supplies and some poster board and create a relationship collage that shows what you value most about each other.
- 46. Take a trip north to Albany County, WY (20 miles east of Laramie at the Vedauwoo exit of I-80) to visit the Ames Monument, a large pyramid that marks the highest point on the transcontinental railroad (8,247 feet). The nearby ghost town of Sherman, WY was once home to several hundred people. There was a general store, post office, school house, two hotels (Sherman House and Summit House), two saloons, and a railroad station house. In 1918, Union Pacific Railroad closed the station house and relocated the tracks 3 miles south. Residents soon abandoned Sherman, leaving behind a small cemetery that is still present today.
- 47. Saddle up and go for a trail ride at Sylvan Dale Guest Ranch (2939 N County Road 31D, Loveland, CO (970) 667-3915). One hour rides are $37 per rider. Call ahead for reservations.
- 48. Hike Grey Rock. Located about 25 minutes from downtown Fort Collins in lower Poudre Canyon, this is a popular 7.3 mile loop trail of moderate difficulty. Dogs are permitted on leash. Back-country camping is also permitted (contact the Arapahoe Roosevelt National Forest for permit information and closures (970) 295-6600).
- 49. Take a tour of the Avery House, 328 West Mountain Avenue (open Saturdays and Sundays 1-4 pm). Built in 1879 at a cost of $3000, the Avery House was home to Franklin and Sara Avery and their three children, Edgar, Ethel, and Louise.
- 50. Ride the trolley on weekend and holiday afternoons from April 30 through September. Rides are $2 for adults, seniors and children are $1. Moms ride free on Mother’s Day and Dad’s ride free on Father’s Day! A three mile round trip between City Park and downtown along Mountain Avenue takes about 30 minutes.
Reflections on Couple Therapy
Written by Diane Bauer, M.S.
Diane Bauer Therapy, PLLC
As a couple therapist, my ‘client’ is the relationship, and my job is not to take sides in any arguments the couple may be having, but rather to remain neutral and to advocate for the health of the relationship. As I reflect back on some of the recent sessions in my therapy office, I am reminded of a particular couple who came in. They’d known each other for more than 2 decades, and they had been married for more than 10 years. As with many couples, they reported that they still loved one another, but the question remained as to whether or not they were still ‘in love’ with each other. They found this realization disturbing enough that they’d agreed to attend couple therapy. Upon further investigation, the husband reported he’d felt this way for several years, but he stated he didn’t want to hurt his wife and didn’t know how to tell her how he felt, so he had kept his feelings to himself. Sadly, this was the first couple therapy session these folks had attended in their 20+ years together and, before we had the chance to do any real work together, therapy was terminated and the couple separated. There was ‘too much water under the bridge’—too much hurt and frustration–to support a willingness to continue to work on the relationship. While many would jump to the conclusion that there must have been an affair partner somwhere in the mix, that was not the case with this couple. There had simply been too little connection and too much hurt for too long to be willing to hurt any longer. There was not enough hope that things could ever be better.
As I think about this particular situation, it occurs to me that perhaps there is an opportunity here to rethink the traditional approach to couples therapy. With a divorce rate for first marriages hovering around 50%, for second marriages over 60%, and for third marriages, almost 75%, it is clear that being in a committed relationship requires continual work—negotiation, compromise, and stick-to-itiveness– in order for both parties to remain satisfied with the relationship over time. While we encourage young couples to do a few sessions of premarital work before committing to marriage, we fail to follow-up and encourage these same couples to commit to regular check-in sessions with a therapist over the life of their relationship. Therapy is viewed primarily as something we do when we are experiencing problems—work to do when there is a problem to ‘fix’. Perhaps approaching couple therapy as a ‘wellness visit’—a commitment to the health of a relationship rather than as a last-ditch effort to save a dying relationship, might be a more sensible approach.
If you view your significant other as your best friend, soulmate, and life partner, I invite you to consider making an investment in your relationship now in order to keep it on the path you want it on. We can discuss what might make sense for you and your partner—perhaps quarterly or bi-monthly sessions to work on whatever issues you may be facing at the moment—work/life balance, transitioning to parenthood or parenting issues, caretaking of older parents, empty nest, retirement—let’s work together to address issues before resentments have a chance to grow and cause damage to the most important relationship in your life. Call me at (970) 797-2259 x-325 to schedule a consultation now!
Common Misconceptions about Therapy and Those who Seek Therapy
Written by Diane Bauer, M.S.
Diane Bauer Therapy, PLLC
If you suspected that you had pneumonia or diabetes or cancer, would you make an appointment with your physician to see what help was available to keep you as healthy as possible? Of course you would! Are you equally as comfortable seeking treatment for mental health issues such as unresolved grief and loss, relationship difficulties, anxiety, depression, or an addiction? These are issues for which treatment is readily available but oftentimes not sought. Our mental health is simply another facet of our overall health, but too often, long-standing misconceptions about therapy and the people who seek therapy keep individuals from getting professional help when it would be very beneficial. In an effort to raise awareness and shed some light on the truth about therapy, following is a list of some of the more common misconceptions and myths I’ve heard in my practice.
1. People who go to therapy are either weak or crazy.
Think about it this way—are people who go to school too weak to teach themselves or people who go to the doctor too weak to heal themselves? Of course not! There may be a biological component to some disorders, such as depression or panic attacks, which make it incredibly difficult to heal yourself. Sadly, having emotional or cognitive concerns is often seen as a failing or a flaw. Not being able to “fix” your own problems is seen as weak. Actually, the opposite is true. Seeking help means you are taking action and this often requires far more strength and courage than passively staying stuck. It is a sign of resourcefulness.
My personal therapy sessions are often the most emotionally exhausting hour of my week. It requires strength to explore your fears, your emotional and mental limits and boundaries, and to challenge your world view when it maybe isn’t working for you any longer. Regardless of why a person is seeking therapy, “crazy” is never an appropriate term and only serves to increase the stigma that causes people to avoid seeking the help they very much deserve and/or need.
2. Therapy is for people with “serious” issues.
Some believe you need to be diagnosed with a psychological disorder or be profoundly struggling before it makes sense to seek therapy. The reality is, if you are sensing something is just not quite right in your life or in your relationships, waiting will likely only exacerbate the problem, making it tougher to untangle. The end result of avoiding dealing with an issue is that you struggle longer than you need to.
People see therapists for a wide variety of issues—all in a desire to improve their lives. People seek therapy to improve their relationships, cope with grief and loss, deal with life transitions (leaving home for the first time, getting married, having children, getting divorced, empty nest, aging, etc.) to cope with disorders (both physical and mental), to figure out who they are and what they want in life. Therapy provides a neutral, third-party perspective on a wide variety of issues.
3. I can’t afford therapy. It’s too expensive.
We all prioritize the things that are important to us and make decisions on spending our money keeping in line with those priorities. I see the money I spend on therapy as an investment in my health and personal development, similar to someone who hires a personal trainer to help them train for a marathon or to reach or maintain a level of physical fitness. Sometimes, people who are ambivalent about entering therapy or about prioritizing their well-being let the cost of therapy be an excuse for not getting help. Yes, therapy can be expensive, but I would argue there is a greater cost for not doing the inner work to improve the quality of your life. When you consider how your well-being—or lack of it—will impact your relationships, health, career success, and overall life satisfaction, therapy is an investment clearly worth making.
4. Once I start therapy, I’ll never get done.
We are all works in progress, but therapy is usually not endless. It is a very individualized process and everyone moves at a different pace. I would venture to say many people don’t stay in therapy long enough, running away when they begin to feel too vulnerable as the deeper work begins. Many people choose to seek therapy for a specific issue, terminate therapy when that issue seems to be resolved to their satisfaction, and then return to therapy for another few sessions when another issue comes to light. How you approach therapy is something you and your therapist can discuss in initial meetings as you develop a treatment plan and goals. My goal as your therapist is to work myself out of a job by empowering you to function better on your own.
5. Therapists can only help if they have experienced the same issue for which you are seeking therapy.
Wanting to find a therapist who has resolved the same issue you want help with is more about wanting to be understood than actually sharing a diagnosis. People in pain, regardless of their particular issue, want to know that someone understands what they are experiencing and how they feel, particularly if they have experienced any misunderstanding around the issue. While a good therapist certainly brings his or her wisdom about the healing process to the therapy, the goal is to teach people how to have compassion for themselves, staying curious and open-hearted in order to learn and feel things about themselves which allow them to release the constraints and burdens that have kept them from feeling their best. The therapist’s curiosity guides people to their own answers. Truly, the paradox of good therapy is that healing comes from the client.
6. Therapists are wise, evolved, and have their “stuff” together.
I talk very openly about the fact that I see a therapist. In order for me to be an effective therapist for my clients, I think it is important for me to understand what it’s like to sit in the chair they are sitting in. We all have issues that we can be working on, changes we can make in our lives, and I’m no different. Therapists are people too, and they generally don’t start out having their “stuff” together. A good portion are drawn to the field because they have been tossed around by life. Those who have the courage to do their own work, go to therapy, and grapple with their own issues, can become, as Ernest Hemingway put it, “stronger at the broken places.” A wounded healer is often the best healer because they are intimately familiar with the path of becoming conscious of and caring for the pain they have harbored. This may explain why the issues a therapist specializes in treating often reflect his or her own wounds and makes them particularly adept at helping people who are experiencing something similar.
7. Therapy is for people who can’t deal with their problems.
Therapy isn’t synonymous with being unable to deal with problems. Oftentimes, being able to tackle present problems requires that we discuss past experiences and explore the ways in which those experiences impact who we are today and how we respond to new issues. I find that with many of my clients, current issues are related to being triggered by unresolved grief over a previous loss that they thought they had “gotten over”. The reality is, we rarely “get over” significant losses, rather we find new ways to incorporate those losses in our lives.
8. Related to the above, a therapist will just blame all of my problems on my parents or my childhood experiences.
Many people believe that in order to have their present affected by their childhood, they need to have been abused in some way. It’s really not that black and white. The fact is, you are who you are today, and you have the attitudes and beliefs you have today as a direct result of what you learned in the past. As a result, one component of your therapy may entail exploring childhood experiences and significant life events. The point of looking backward is to better understand the present and to make changes to positively impact your future. Discussing your family background can help you and your therapist understand your perceptions and feelings, current coping strategies, and see patterns that have developed over the course of your life.
9. Why go to therapy when I can just talk to my friends or family? Isn’t therapy just like having a paid friend?
There is a pervasive belief in our society that the support of a good friend can substitute for therapy. True, friends provide invaluable love, support, and wisdom during times of stress. There are, however, several important differences between therapy and relationships with friends and family.
With friends and family, you are likely to censor yourself somewhat in an effort to protect feelings—theirs or yours. You may avoid some topics and sugarcoat others in an effort to avoid portraying yourself or others in a negative light. In therapy, you can be completely honest because everything you say in session is legally confidential to you (with a very few specific exceptions which your therapist will explain to you.). As a result, people often tell their therapists things they have never revealed to anyone else. That confidentiality alone is what makes therapy worthwhile to many. It allows you to honestly grapple with ideas and emotions without fear of being judged in any way.
Additionally, research shows that psychotherapy is effective and helpful. The techniques a therapist uses in session are more than just talking and listening and have been developed over decades of research. Therapists are highly trained professionals who have spent years learning and practicing how to diagnose and treat cognitive, behavioral, emotional, and relational issues. This makes them experts in understanding and treating complex problems, allowing them to recognize behavior and thought patterns objectively.
10. Someone who doesn’t know me can’t help me.
The fact that your therapist does not know you when you call for the first appointment is exactly why your therapist can help! A trained therapist does not have the personal agenda that your friends or family members have. Their personal history with you biases their perspective and the help they can lend. A therapist is a neutral third party who will challenge you to explore new perspectives and ways of being. Again, it is important to honestly share your feelings and perspectives with family and friends so you can benefit from their love and support. Being honest with the people in your life, including yourself, is exactly what a therapist can help you do.
11. Medication is just as effective as therapy. All I need is a prescription.
If you need medication, you definitely need therapy as well. Without therapy, you run the risk of having the medication act as a Band-Aid, just covering up your symptoms rather than treating the underlying issues. Therapy is what gets at the root of the problem, which is where you get the most value in terms of your mental health. Research shows that medication in tandem with talk therapy is the most effective treatment for a variety of mental health issues.
12. A friend saw a therapist and said it didn’t help.
The reality is, there are good therapists and bad therapists, just as there are good attorneys and bad attorneys or good teachers and bad teachers. It is important to understand that not every therapist will be a good fit for you or for the issue you want to resolve. Each discipline (psychologists, counselors, marriage and family therapists, etc.) requires different training and has a slightly different focus for treatment. Individual therapists may specialize, for instance in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) which involves identifying distorted thinking, modifying beliefs, relating to others in different ways, and changing behaviors. Others consider themselves ‘eclectic’ therapists, meaning they draw on many different theories to personalize treatment to you and your particular situation. Additionally, motivation to change and a willingness to look deeply at yourself are components to successful therapy. Not everyone is willing to do the hard work of therapy. And all issues are not equally as responsive to treatment.
13. If the therapy was working, I’d be feeling better.
If only this were true! However, since therapy is about facing things that are difficult—and sometimes painful or shaming—there are times when therapy doesn’t feel very good at all. Facing difficult things can bring relief and it can feel empowering, but it may first leave you feeling hurt or sad, angry, ashamed, or disempowered. Having emotions stirred up is part of the therapeutic process and it is important to talk about these difficult feelings. Sometimes you may even have negative feelings toward your therapist during the process and it is important to work through those feelings as well because this is often ‘misplaced anger that comes out sideways.’ Therapists are used to this and trained to respond in ways that will help you deal honestly with whatever happens to come up.
Part of the therapeutic work is to help you develop the ability to tolerate your feelings without becoming overwhelmed. When we are able to experience the whole range of our emotions, we begin to live our lives more authentically.
14. I don’t have time.
This, like the cost of therapy, is often used as an excuse for those who are ambivalent about entering therapy. Therapists know that many people are strapped for time, so many will accommodate those busy schedules by offering to see you on weekends or during evening hours. If you can meet with a therapist face-to-face and establish what your goals and needs are, some may also agree to an occasional phone session or an online video session through Skype or some other similar service.
“Windshield Time” with Your Child
Written by Diane Bauer, M.S.
Diane Bauer Therapy, PLLC
I am a huge proponent of what I refer to as “windshield time”—that time when your child is strapped into a seatbelt and belongs to you and you alone—they cannot escape your presence—you have a captive audience. These are great moments to ask open-ended questions and then just sit back and listen without judgment to what your kids have to say. When they have your attention and believe you are really listening, you provide a safe space where they can open up and give you glimpses into what’s going on in their lives, what they are thinking, and what they are hoping for their future.
When my kids were young, they attended a “choice” school rather than our neighborhood school, which meant there was no bus service and I transported them to and from school every day. Sometimes there were friends and neighbors to organize carpools with, but more often than not, because of crazy schedules and different sports and after school activities, I did most of the transporting myself. I really preferred it that way. Yes, I occasionally dreamed of the ease enjoyed by parents whose kids were in public schools and who rode the bus, but I got a huge benefit in that I had hours and hours of windshield time each and every week. Because I was there at the end of every school day, I was the one they processed their day with. They shared their joys and frustrations, and I benefitted in knowing what was really going on in their world.
If your kids ride the bus to school, you can get the same benefit by planning a solitary road trip—ideally one parent and one child at a time—across the country to visit family or even just to the local Safeway store. Kids grow up in a heartbeat and soon they are driving themselves everywhere, practicing and perfecting that independence we raise them for. Take advantage of all of the windshield time you can get when your kids are young. Be still and let them know you are interested in what they have to say. You may be surprised at who is sitting next to you in the car!
Making Sense of the Crazy-Making: Understanding the Difference between Self-Centeredness and Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Written by Diane Bauer, M.S.
Diane Bauer Therapy, PLLC
References to narcissism have become increasingly common in the media recently, with headlines describing both politicians and celebrities alike as narcissists. Is narcissism truly on the rise, or is the media simply focusing on the self-centeredness that is sometimes thought to be a hallmark feature of the disorder? While more common in men than women (50-75% of diagnosed cases are men), narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is relatively rare, showing up in only about 1-6% of the general population.
At one time or another, we have all probably been somewhat more self-centered or really wanted to have things go our way. That’s pretty normal. So what makes one person self-centered and another narcissistic? We all have personality traits—the ingrained ways we experience, interact with, and think about everything that goes on around us. The patterns of our behavior and our ways of thinking develop from an early age and are influenced by our genes as well as our early experiences. These traits are dimensional rather than categorical, meaning their components are present in normal people but are accentuated in those with a personality disorder, to the point that they impair functioning or cause distress. These ingrained patterns of behavior and thinking are present from late adolescence or early adulthood (narcissism is not clinically diagnosed prior to adulthood), and when friends and loved ones are asked about particular symptoms, they immediately associate them with the individual—it’s like a light bulb comes on because the explanation fits so perfectly with their experience.
The essential features of NPD that set it apart from a relatively normal amount of self-centeredness are a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy that begins by early adulthood and shows up in a variety of contexts (at home, at work, at school, in finances, etc.). Individuals with NPD tend to have an exaggerated sense of entitlement. They may routinely overestimate their abilities while underestimating the contributions of others; even taking credit for others’ successes. They believe they are superior, special, or in some way unique and expect others to recognize them as such. They tend to have a distinct inability to tolerate criticism of any kind, often reacting with anger, rage, or even a defiant counterattack to anyone who is critical of them. They expect to be catered to; given whatever they want or feel they need, no matter the effect on others. They have little apparent understanding of the feelings and needs of others and are often seemingly oblivious to how their words and actions affect others. They typically don’t respect healthy boundaries in relationships and are rarely held accountable for their actions (perhaps because of the angry responses that may be brought about). These individuals are often estranged from their families or they may show patterns of broken relationships or difficulty forming long-term, intimate partnerships.
As with many other mental health conditions, the cause of NPD is unknown and thought to be highly complex. Researchers have come to believe that extreme parenting behaviors—either emotional or physical neglect or excessive and indulgent praise–may be partially responsible. It is also possible that genetics or psychobiology—the connection between the brain and behavior and thinking—may play a role in its development. Risk factors include parents who may have been unpredictable, unreliable, or uninvolved, a lack of affection and praise during childhood, neglect and emotional abuse in childhood, parental disdain for fears and needs expressed during childhood, manipulative behavior from parents or caregivers, and excessive praise or overindulgence. Children who learn from their parents that vulnerability is unacceptable may be at risk of losing their ability to empathize with others’ needs. They may also mask their emotional needs with egotistical behavior in order to make themselves less vulnerable to the hurt associated with the neglect or abuse they experience.
People with NPD may be unable to recognize that there is anything wrong in their lives because doing so doesn’t fit with their sense of themselves. While they may find their relationships unfulfilling, they likely believe the difficulties they are experiencing in these relationships are the fault of a partner. Because of the nature of the disorder, they may respond defensively when loved ones or concerned friends encourage them to seek treatment. The most likely time for seeking treatment is when symptoms of depression develop—often as a result of perceived rejection or criticism. Those with NPD are also at risk for substance abuse (particularly cocaine), alcohol abuse, and relationship difficulties, so these issues may also provide the impetus for seeking treatment. Perhaps unfortunately, no medications are available for the treatment of NPD. Psychotherapy is the most successful way to treat the disorder, but again, because personality traits can be difficult to change, therapy can take several years. In the short term, individual therapy can focus on issues of depression, substance abuse, low self-esteem, and shame that are commonly experienced. Longer term goals center around teaching empathy and life skills, changing patterns of thinking that distort self-image, and helping individuals learn to relate better to others in order to increase intimacy and connection in relationships. Family therapy typically brings the whole family together to explore conflicts, communication and problem solving to help cope and resolve lingering relationship problems.
Partners of NPD individuals are likely to be very aware there is a problem, all the while being unable to quite put their finger on the source of the problem. They may come to doubt their own perceptions of what is going on because of having been told repeatedly that their perceptions are wrong and that they are the ones with the problem (NPD individuals are often very skilled at portraying themselves as the victim to their partner’s villain). They may remember a partner who was exceptionally charming when they first met, without recognizing the charm as a form of manipulation. They are often caught up in simply trying to keep the peace in what seems to be world swirling with “crazy-making.” Couple therapy can be helpful in these situations, but on-going individual therapy for the person with NPD is necessary in order to maximize results for the couple. Individual therapy for the partner (or child of an NPD parent) can be beneficial as well.
Tempting as it may be, it is rarely helpful when partners and concerned loved ones attempt to diagnose an individual. Personality disorders are complex and tend to be some of the most difficult disorders to understand and diagnose correctly. Many who are diagnosed with NPD exhibit symptoms of at least one other personality disorder—histrionic PD, borderline PD, and antisocial PD being the most commonly co-occurring. If the symptoms you’ve read about here seem familiar, either for you personally or within a close relationship, please reach out and make an appointment to get your questions answered. Whatever the resulting diagnosis, the symptoms described signal a need for support and resources, and I’m happy to provide both.
References:
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental
disorders, Fifth Edition. Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Association.
Mayo Clinic Staff. (n.d.). Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Morrison, J. (2014). DSM-5 made easy: The clinician’s guide to diagnosis. New York: The
The Guilford Press.
Is Couples Therapy Right For You?
Written by Diane Bauer, M.S.
Diane Bauer Therapy, PLLC
Couples therapy is not for everyone. How do you know when it’s right for you?
For successful couple therapy, you need to have:
- A joint definition of the problem
- Good motivation to change
- Willingness to collaborate
- An enthusiastic willingness to comply with treatment
(Fraser, Second Order Change in Psychotherapy, or other techniques
Therapy will only be a good investment for your relationship if you are willing to put forth a significant and conscious effort. It will require you to complete homework outside of session—taking what you learn in session home with you and diligently practicing new ways of communicating with your partner.
Couple therapy may not be right for you right now if . . .
- Your relationship is abusive in any way. Plenty of research has shown that if you are in a violent relationship, couples therapy may actually be more harmful than beneficial. Your safety is my primary concern. If you are being threatened, slapped, kicked, punched, hit, strangled, or otherwise assaulted in your relationship, please call Crossroads Safehouse at (970) 482-3535 for immediate support. I would then recommend individual sessions and assessment prior to embarking on couple therapy.
- You are having trouble managing an addiction. While it is possible to have success in couples therapy while you are working on managing an addiction, the recommendation is to first address the addiction or to commit to individual therapy at the same time you are seeking support for your relationship.
- You are hoping your therapist will be able to fix your relationship or give you advice. Therapy is hard work. You will get out of it what you invest into it. Therapy isn’t about advice and it’s not about your therapist choosing sides or making judgments. It’s about having a neutral third party hold your relationship in the palm of their hand while you explore alternative perspectives and make the changes you determine you want to make.
- You believe your partner is to blame for your relationship troubles. True, your partner is contributing to the issues you are facing. But you will also be asked to accept personal responsibility for your contributions to the issues and your willingness to do so will be key to your success in therapy.
You want to change your partner or believe your partner needs to change in order for your relationship to thrive. See above. Your partner will change as a result of couple therapy, but in order for the changes to last, you will need to change as well. - You want your therapist to take your side. Neither you nor your partner are my client in couple therapy. Rather, your relationship is my client. My goal is to help you connect on a deeper and more meaningful level, not to divide you even more than you already are.
- You are having a secret affair and hope therapy will help you decide whether to stay or to go. Effective therapy depends on honesty. If you have secrets you are unwilling to share, it will be difficult to proceed with couple therapy and I would recommend individual therapy instead. Couple therapy is a great way to deepen your relationship and strengthen your commitment, but only if and when you are ready.
Forgiveness as a Gift to Self
Written by Diane Bauer, M.S.
Diane Bauer Therapy, PLLC
Many, if not most of us, were raised with an understanding that forgiveness was something we did for someone who had wronged us—a graciousness we extended to another. Oftentimes this results in feelings of guilt and an inability to move past an incident if you don’t feel you are ready or able to forgive another. In Forgiveness—A Bold Choice for a Peaceful Heart (1992), Robin Casarjian invites us to take what we think we know about forgiveness and put it under a chair for a while in order to explore what forgiveness really is and what it is not.
Forgiveness is NOT:
- Condoning negative, inappropriate behavior—your own or someone else’s
- Pretending everything is just fine when you feel it isn’t
- An acknowledgement that the other person is right and you are wrong
- A requirement for you to verbally communicate directly with the person who wronged you (meaning it is possible for you to forgive someone who has already died)
Forgiveness IS:
- A decision to see beyond the limits of another’s personality. It requires recognizing that if a person is acting like a “jerk”, or insensitively, then implicit in their behavior and attitudes are constriction and fear. Underlying their behavior and attitudes is a call for respect, acknowledgment, and love.
- An attitude that implies you are willing to accept responsibility for your own perceptions, realizing that your perceptions are a choice and not an objective fact.
- Rarely a one-time event. Rather it is a process that requires shifting your perceptions again and again over time.
- A way of life—a commitment to experiencing each moment uncluttered by past perceptions.
- An understanding that we can resolutely disagree with someone without withdrawing our love.
- A gift to yourself rather than something you do for someone else.
So, what are the benefits to NOT forgiving? Anger is a strong, temporary emotional reaction to feeling threatened in some way. Resentment is a way to feel strongly and to feel again. When we feel resentful, we feel strongly the pain of the past over and over again. The benefits to holding on to that resentment include a feeling of being more powerful and in control. It provides an impetus and fuel for getting things done. It is a method of controlling others—people around an angry and resentful person become guilty and frightened and, as a result, sometimes allow themselves to be manipulated. Anger is a way to avoid communication. It is also a way of asserting that you are “right”. It is a way to avoid the feelings that are under the anger—the fear and sadness underlying the anger. It keeps you in the role of the victim. If you forgive, you do not deny you were victimized, but having been a victim no longer dominates your present identity and emotional life. Anger is a wall of self-protection, but in reality, it reestablishes your sense of powerlessness and fear. You unconsciously relinquish the power you have to the person with whom you are angry.
You absolutely have a right to be angry when you are wronged. Don’t confuse forgiving with denying your feelings, needs and desires. Honor your feelings, respect yourself, and be gentle with yourself! Then, as time passes, try to be completely honest with yourself. Are you attached to the anger and afraid to let it go? Only you can decide whether holding on to the anger is more beneficial to you than forgiving. There may be certain people that you don’t want to forgive or that you don’t feel ready or capable of forgiving at this time. Know that no one can forgive before they are ready to do so. Reflect on what is acceptable and unacceptable for you in the context of the relationship and then let go of the expectations that demand what the other person cannot give. Consider that without forgiveness you will always be bound to the relationship that is painful. Decide instead to give yourself the gift of forgiveness—the gift that allows you to shed the pain and anger and reclaim your capacity for aliveness and love.
There are many reasons we struggle with forgiveness. Infidelity, domestic violence, divorce and custody battles are all issues that contribute to difficulty with forgiveness. Sexual assault, molestation, verbal and psychological abuse, and neglect are others. If you find yourself wanting to forgive but feeling unable to do so, please consider therapy as an alternative to remaining stuck in your anger or resentment. I am happy to meet you where you are in the process and work with you toward your goals.
Surviving an Affair
Written by Diane Bauer, M.S.
Diane Bauer Therapy, PLLC
Therapists refer to trauma as being either a “little t trauma” or a “Big T Trauma.” Little t traumas may be being teased in elementary school, a move at a vulnerable time during childhood, the loss of a friendship due to a misunderstanding, or the loss of a beloved pet. They are the more common life experiences that are unsettling when they occur but typically are not thought of as “traumatizing.” Big T traumas most often involve threat to life or physical safety—experiencing a natural disaster, war, rape. No trauma seems small to the person experiencing it, and the emotional wounds from either small t or Big T traumas can last a lifetime.
In my practice, infidelity is treated as a Big T trauma to an intimate relationship. Affairs happen for a variety of reasons and it can be very difficult to sort out what to do next after infidelity is revealed. It is common in the weeks (and sometimes months) after an affair is revealed for both partners to be caught up in a tidal wave of emotions. Shock, anger, fear, loss and sadness abound and can hit unexpectedly. It can feel pretty overwhelming. I recommend working with either an individual or a couple therapist (or both!) during this time in order that you might have someone other than your partner or the affair partner available to share this experience with you. While friends and family are likely to be willing to hear your story, particularly if you choose to stay together and work on your relationship, it is important that these people, as much as possible, are allowed to continue to love and support both of you rather than taking sides and fueling your hurt. It is a difficult time for both parties, but not an impossible one. I work with couples every week who are working through the aftermath of affairs and have found that the sooner couples are willing and able to seek help to begin the repair work, the better.
Intimacy cannot exist where there is dishonesty and secrecy. Reestablishing trust after an affair calls for honesty—a willingness on the part of the person who has been unfaithful to admit responsibility for their behavior and to get clear about their commitment to the relationship. The person who has been unfaithful will be asked to be present and willing to hear the rage, anger, hurt, and fears of their partner. As well, the other partner will be asked to be honest as we explore the ways that both parties contributed to the vulnerability of the relationship to an affair. Is this easy? No, but it is a necessary part of healing and strengthening a relationship after infidelity.
If the two of you decide to stay together, there are steps you can take immediately to increase the chances of succeeding in your desire to rebuild your relationship. First and foremost, say good-bye to the person you had the affair with. Reassure your partner that you will have no further interaction with this person. Take action to increase open communication within your relationship. Share your pain and be willing to hear your partner’s pain. Take specific steps to earn back the trust that was broken. This takes time. Do not expect trust to be rebuilt without significant effort and time. Develop a shared vision of your future together. Create new ways to connect going forward. And forgive your partner and yourself, because without forgiveness there is no friendship; and without friendship, there is no real partnership.
